Cries

Unheard, unrecovered
Stitched, stiffled, muffled
I want to sing
But nothing comes out
I want to lay it all down
But my heart does not stop pounding on
I want to drown in this ocean that consumed nemo's cause
But this earth is too safe for any risk
God it hurts this freedom beckoning
God where are you what have I done
God are you still in love with me
Am I still the apple of your eye
Why do I not feel so
Make me feel so, wave your wand and lift me out of this hole
My heart got cold sores all over
Through the winter months
Hell freezing over
Landing me a job that just takes away my time
Robbing the joy of existence
Be still my beating heart don't take a beating
Now I can't quite say
What I am grateful for
For I forgot them all since the tidal hit the shores
How do you spell goodness mercy following me
How do you tell white from red and lies from tales
Tears for blood bleeding dry
Hung out hung dry now it seems I have a glimpse why your cross was so significant
Love today come quickly save my soul
Lest I drift unwittingly into the claws of an evil dark lord
Lest my head bows unknowingly to the beast
Give me courage of lion heart
A dragon's belly fire
A sage wise old
Eyes that see further than this gift can give
Shed my baggage, my crowns, my glory into the fire
Forget with me the good old days
Reinvent me the words and phrases put them together for me won't you
If you love me, bring me not the stars nor moon nor clouds to cover the scorching sun
If you love me, let me have you my shepherd caring for my every detail
For my eyes and hands and feet are ever so tired
Come shelter me and bring me the healing balm
My shepherd come quickly make haste
Make my head and heart sing
Make me sing with love
Make me sing our love song once again
As I grow and learn what it means to be a man

Are you there?

I can hardly open my eyes. These days, the fire dies easily. Dependant on the neighbouring passion.

I dozed off on the couch while Australia played out their cricket. That man so familiar, yet so distant. I got in too deep into this town and now what have I got left to show?

I feel the sore going throb throb at the back of my mind. Reminding me of something I did without actually physically being there. The same small get-together got even smaller this year. As I held my only tin can in my hand, I could hear myself answering the question. Just spending time with the folks, mate. Nothing much. Just kicking back and time with family - that's what's important, isn't it. Except it wasn't entirely true. I haven't been so far. So far being the corner of the eve till the dawn of the post-christmas sale extravaganza.

It's been quiet so far. Far too quiet. Maybe the hum drum still lingers in my mind and I can't drown out the voices of my conscience. Most mornings I have been finding myself in a state of disappointment. But you can't blame them for doing the right thing. That's right. So that leaves the question of where, who and how. I don't want to go back to work. Taking my own little getaway is beyond the budget. This swelling heat is marring my ability to calculate.

I didn't imagine sitting here saying this to myself. Thirty odd years and nothing no one to show for. I hadn't believed in one bit of this commercial garbage. But now the emotions are making it too hard to decide otherwise. So this will be a long holiday - perhaps I will plunge myself back into work. Cos the music in my just kinda died 2 days ago.

I need to leave this town. I am in too deep and I can't get out. Pull me out before I die unknown and alone or plug me in somewhere, pursue me, never let me go, help me belong, make me relevant.

Push & Pull, Oh Tug of War!

Pushed to the edge again
New life on lease
Tempting this fate
This slow dance of cards
Fuel that lends a hand
To the crossroads of anxiety

Love held the broken glass pieces together
Maybe I am taking this too seriously
But love is a serious thing
And I must not foolishly deal
And I must not easily give in
And I must not die inside without a fight

Pushed, pushed and pulled like the angry waters refusing to give rest to these suffocating eyes and nose filled with tears unbreathing, unforgiving, unrelenting. If I say too much I am damned, if I say nothing I am not your friend. Glass bits on the floor, too small for a tall man to fall.

Light colours swirl
Like angry moving images
Red on red, blow by blow
It's a slow death dance off

I love you but I must kill you to survive. I love you, don't push me. I'm open wide, like a fool, you read me, analyse me, catagorize me like an open book left unpublished. Don't bludgeon till there's nothing left to embrace. Till love turns to run after hate after dust. Terror circles above like black birds waiting for a spoil of the dead.

Series of lonely shadows lingering in the park. Do you, did you notice?