Lasting just a minute

I feel unsettled. The nerves have set in again. I hate emails. Hate letters in the mail. Why does life come with so much maintanence without the instruction manual? I used to think it was exciting. Now I just want every damn thing to stop and let me go free.

Scot free.

Is it ever possible that God could turn this whole mess I've made around? Or do the consequences become too much that it will eventually consume me? In the past hour, I drifted between hope and hopelessness, between suicide and life. But then again, what is worth dying for? Responsibility? I don't want to be called a bad steward but I just want to throw in the towel. Set up the barracks and call it quits and run away leaving the bomb to implode. Then it leaves me with the pieces to pick up. Pieces don't make much and you can't exchange it for value or kind.

I'm upset and I hate it. I feel like a child finding out that the clue to the trail home was a decoy. Damn them decoys. But God, can you please bless me? Me, here, now. I need you. More than ever. Consume me before I get consumed by the steel beams of this world tumbling down on me. Breathe in me life and wisdom once again. I want to cross this red sea. So, please, God, part the waters.